


500 Points from Hufflepuff for Gross Abuse of Puns

by MsCaptainWinchester (rons_pigwidgeon)



Series: Marvel Bingo 2019 [1]
Category: Cable (Comics), Cable and Deadpool, Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Fingering, Characters Watching Harry Potter Movies, Coitus Interruptus, Drunk Make-out, Drunk Peter Parker, M/M, Movie Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 06:36:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20523560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rons_pigwidgeon/pseuds/MsCaptainWinchester
Summary: The first time Cable interrupted them during sex, it was in the middle of a Harry Potter movie marathon. There was Butterbeer. And 90 Proof Whiskey. There wereTERRIBLEHarry Potter sex puns. It should have been embarrassing, but Peter might have been too drunk to care.





	500 Points from Hufflepuff for Gross Abuse of Puns

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written to fill the 'Humping' square on my Marvel Bingo card. It is also the start of a prequel series to my [Cable's Super Soaker](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20099428) story. 
> 
> Thank you to gabby227 for beta reading this fic, and the rest of this series (so far), as well!
> 
> I do not consent to my stories being listed on Goodreads or other book platforms.

The first time Cable walked in on them wasn’t terrible. Peter had let Wade talk him into drinking ‘adult’ Butterbeer while they marathoned Harry Potter movies, and by Goblet of Fire, Peter was so shit-faced he was catcalling Viktor Krum and ranting about how Harry should have listened to Hermione more. 

“Should have asked Krum to get in that bath with him instead of mooning over Cho Chang the whole time. Cho’s cute and all, but did you see the shoulders on Krum? Stupid. Harry’s stupid,” he ranted, slumping into Wade’s side, vaguely aware of the besotted look Wade was giving him.

“It’s like I made you at a Build-A-Bear. Too fucking adorable. I need to get you drunk more often. Tell me all about Krum’s shoulders in those uniforms,” Wade rasped against his ear, tongue flicking out to tease his earlobe before sloppy kissing his throat. 

Peter turned his head into it, attention drawn from the movie. “No teenage boy should have shoulders that broad. It should be illegal. Even Ron knew,” Peter said, waving a hand in the direction of the screen as if the image of teenagers dancing at the Yule Ball would be any kind of evidence for his argument. 

Wade made noises of agreement as he continued kissing across Peter’s throat, rucking Peter’s t-shirt up to drag fingers slowly down his happy trail. “What about Ron? He’s no Tiny Tim,” he said against Peter’s clavicle. 

Peter scoffed under his breath, arching his back a little to get closer to Wade’s mouth. “Ron’s the kind of guy who needs a road map and four-year degree to figure out how to give someone an orgasm. He probably has a big dick, but there’s no way he knows how to use it. Krum—”

He was cut off by Wade’s mouth overtaking his, a hand on Peter’s chin turning his face just far enough back for their kiss. He let off a choked moan as he twisted around to get better access to Wade’s demanding tongue, the sudden press of their mouths together a welcome interruption. “No right to be this perfect. ‘S not playing fair,” Wade mumbled against his mouth. Peter lifted a hand to the back of his head, deepening the kiss with a goofy grin. He twisted in Wade’s arms to straddle him, too horny from the Butterbeer and the impressive upper body of the Bulgarian Seeker to care about paying attention to the movie anymore. Wade sucking on his tongue was much more interesting.

It didn’t take long for Wade’s hands to dip down below the elastic of his sweatpants to cup two handfuls of his ass. Peter ground down on his lap, moaning at the friction and the sharp dig of blunt nails against the globes of his ass. Just enough bite to remind him in the morning, the way he liked it. “Gonna show me your wand?” he teased, nipping at Wade’s bottom lip with a grin.

Wade groaned low in his throat and pulled Peter even tighter against him. “I’m gonna  _ Wingardium Leviosa _ your ass all over my broomstick just as soon as we get you prepped for game time, Baby Boy.” Wade emphasized the quip by pulling Peter’s cheeks apart and teasing his hole with dry fingers. Peter wriggled in his arms, kissing him hard.

“Do we have to apply some wood oil to your Nimbus 2000 first?” he asked when he pulled away, rocking his hips back to meet Wade’s fingers. 

Wade feigned offence, pulling his hand out of Peter’s pants and holding two fingers up to Peter’s mouth to suck on. “You know I’ve got a Firebolt, baby. And you’re gonna ride it all night long. But first a little pre-gaming.” Peter wrapped his lips around the digits, giggling over how horrible their dirty talk was, feeling a little giddy and wanting nothing more than to sit on Wade’s dick and make stupid puns at him until they both came. 

It was not meant to be. Just as Wade was slipping his spit-soaked fingers back into the back of Peter’s sweats and pressing one wet digit into Peter’s hole, Peter’s spidey sense went off in a big way. Before he could even pull away from Wade to see what was going on, heavy footfalls sounded from the back bedroom and Cable emerged from the hallway in full gear. 

“Holy Hagrid!” Wade exclaimed, his jaw dropping as he smacked his free hand onto his cheek. “It’s not what it looks like, Professor McGonagall. I was just helping Peter find his wand,” he said in the fakest English accent Peter had ever heard. Peter would have collapsed in a fit of giggles if Wade’s work friend hadn’t just caught them with Wade’s finger up his ass. As it was, he buried his face in Wade’s neck and tried to wish a hole in the ground to swallow them up. Wade wiggled his finger against Peter’s prostate and made him jump alert again with a wicked smirk. 

“Is this what you two idiots do on the weekend? No wonder Kraven almost killed you. Come on, got a mission I need you on,” Cable said, giving the two of them an unimpressed look.

“Kind of in the middle of Quidditch match, Professor Cockblock. Go find Dom or something.” Wade emphasized his point by digging a second finger into Peter and flicking his prostate again. Peter didn’t manage to suppress a loud moan. He also didn’t get out of Wade’s lap, even though he knew he should. Instead, he rocked down onto the fingers as subtly as he could manage.

“I’ll just tell the Cotati that you were too busy getting your dick wet to stop Kree assassins from kidnapping their toddlers for trophies, then.” He started fiddling with his teleporter, an annoyed pinch to his squinted eye. He didn’t even look at Wade, but he didn’t need to to get his point across.

“Fucking Flitwick, I’ll come. Give me a minute to suit up.” Wade kissed Peter quick and dirty and gently extracted himself, nudging Peter back on the couch and pulling his fingers out in one slow slide. Peter had to bite his lip to stop himself from whining at the loss. He was too drunk for his own good. No more 150 Proof in the Butterbeer next time.

“I could come with you,” he tried to protest, but Wade only shook his head and kissed him on the forehead. 

“You’re way too drunk to swing on those webs without braining yourself, hot stuff. You just keep the bed warm and get yourself nice and ready for me, and we’ll go on that broom ride when I get home, okay?”

“You drank as much as I did,” Peter protested, pouting. He could blame the alcohol, but sober Peter pouted at the prospect of not getting laid just as much as drunk Peter did.

“You know I can’t get drunk, Baby Boy. I’ll be back quick, I promise. In the meantime, how about you find that shiny red plug I got you the other day and get yourself ready for Daddy?” That last part wasn’t nearly quiet enough to not have been overheard. Peter blushed at the thought of Cable hearing Wade refer to himself that way—it was supposed to be their dirty little secret—but didn’t say anything when Wade swept down for another kiss before disappearing into the bedroom to change into his suit. 

While they waited, Peter turned to see if Cable had reacted to their talk and found blue eyes watching him with something akin to interest. Anything Peter might have said to him withered on his tongue. He turned around again and started tidying the mess of pizza boxes and half-empty beer steins to cover up his embarrassment. They had little Hogwarts crests etched onto them. Peter had no idea where Wade had found them. “I didn’t know you were involved with the Cotati. Did they still exist in the future?” he asked, still not looking at Cable as he stood with the mugs and took them to the sink for washing. 

“Can’t tell you that.”

Peter rolled his eyes. The number of things he had tried to get Cable to tell him about the future could fill a scroll the length of a football field, but Cable was like a steel trap for knowledge. “How could you telling me a currently existing alien race still exists in a century possibly affect anything? I don’t even go to space that often. I’m a  _ neighborhood  _ Spider-Man.”

“You been to space more times than I have.”

Peter whipped around to stare at him incredulously. “There’s no way that’s true. You go all over the place with that thing.” He waved a hand in the general direction of Cable’s teleporter with the hand not holding onto the sink for balance. That Butterbeer was suddenly swirling all around his head and fucking with his equilibrium.

Cable gave him an unreadable look, eyes traveling down the length of him, stopping briefly over the remains of an erection still slightly tenting his sweatpants. Peter should probably have been ashamed of it, but he was too annoyed that he hadn’t gotten to come yet to care. Cable cocked his head in the direction of the bedroom and called in that direction, “What’s takin’ so long, Pool? You forget how to zip up?”

Wade stumbled out of the bedroom still strapping on his katana holster, cursing under his breath. “Do you know how hard it is to get this suit on with a boner? You could have at least let us finish before you burst in here like a Dementor trying to steal our happy fun times. Next time I’m gonna go right on plundering the Chosen One’s Chamber of Secrets, and you’ll just have to stand by like a basilisk victim and watch.” 

Peter’s cheeks flared hot at the suggestion, and he had to avert his eyes, suddenly unable to look at either of them. Wade drew his gaze back again by stomping into the kitchen and boxing Peter in against the counter for a toe-curling kiss, his eyes flashing lust as he pulled away with a slow tug on Peter’s bottom lip between his teeth. “What are you going to do for me while I’m gone?” he asked, voice low and dangerous in that way that made Peter’s heart rabbit right out of his chest.

“Open myself up for you and then use the plug to stay open for when you get back,” Peter murmured, darting a quick glance at Cable over Wade’s shoulder as his cheeks burned hotter.

“That’s right, Baby Boy. And I’m gonna fuck you good and hard when I get home.” He reached below the counter to give Peter’s ass a tight squeeze and a soft slap, and Peter whined louder than he intended to at the sudden sharp pleasure of it. His cheeks were going to catch fire if Cable didn’t stop watching them like that. 

“Be careful,” he managed, pressing a kiss to Wade’s mouth before pushing him away. “I’ll have to run away with Krum if you don’t come back, and Bulgaria’s not really built for swinging around on a web,” he quipped, gathering as much of his senses back to himself as he could manage while still very much turned on and vaguely drunk. 

Wade tipped his nonexistent hat and went to join Cable for the bodyslide to wherever their mission was meant to be.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want writing updates from me, you can follow me on Twitter [@RonsPigwidgeon](https://twitter.com/RonsPigwidgeon), [Tumblr](https://mscaptainwinchester.tumblr.com/), [NewTumbl](https://mscaptainwinchester.newtumbl.com/), or [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/MsCaptainWinchester).
> 
> And if you'd like to come yell about Spideypool with me, join the 18+ Discord server I co-mod, [Isn't It Bromantic](https://discord.gg/w6UyAn7)!


End file.
